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How to Be a Positive Person
I have been counseling with the help of positive psychology for many years. Positive, happy people really have an easier time in life and recover faster from problems. There are always things you can do to increase your level of optimism, even if you can’t change who you are. Whether you realize it or not, you are responsible for making yourself feel better, and no one else is responsible for making you feel better.
To become more positive:
• Write down and visualize your goals: This programs your brain to help you find positive steps you can take to achieve your goals. It will alert your brain to notice things and events that are related to your goal. You will automatically become more aware of certain events, opportunities and people who can help you. You will also be more clear about what you want and it will creep into your conversation and your general attitude where others can notice it.
• Ask politely for what you want: The easiest way to get what you want is to make a pleasant request and deliver it with a big smile and a warm look. Please is very important, but so is a friendly smile, eye contact and a warm thank you when the request is fulfilled. If you make your requests confidently, as if you expect to get a yes, you are more likely to get one. “Please come to lunch with me” works better than “You wouldn’t want to go to lunch, would you?”
• Dress and act like you feel special: The more you respect yourself, the more others will respect you. Make sure you present yourself, dress and act the part well.
• Accept favors, gifts and compliments gracefully, with thanks. Don’t worry about whether you deserve a compliment: if someone says something nice and you say you don’t deserve it, you’re effectively calling that person a liar; which is not charming at all. Gratitude for kindness breeds more kindness. Nothing works better than a nice “thank you” to make a nice person feel appreciated and want to give you more. You can also take credit and still share credit with others: “Thank you so much; it was really Susan’s idea.” Accept the compliment and share the love.
• Practice a new situation before you do it: I recommend the “roll the tape” exercise: imagine yourself taking a risk and watch the scene unfold. “Rewind” several times and go through the scene again. Practice a few different responses and different approaches until you feel comfortable. Then you can try it in the real world.
To improve your positive experience, take the following steps before each new activity:
1. Write down the possibilities in your mind: can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Could it be fun? Will just leaving the house and socializing with new people feel good?
2. Remind yourself of your goals: You’re going there to make new friends and have fun or learn.
3. Examine your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about you? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversational skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means that you will enter the event with this positive energy.
• Change your thinking: Everyone has a dialogue going on in their head that can be negative and self-defeating or positive and energetic. Your thoughts affect your mood and your attitude towards yourself can make or break your mood. Neuronal activity in the brain activates hormones that are synonymous with feelings. One thing you can do is monitor your self-talk: what are you telling yourself about the day ahead, about mistakes, about your happiness? If these messages are negative, changing them can really lift your mood and optimism. The good news is that you can replace your negative monologue with something more positive.
Self-talk is the most powerful tool you have to turn your negative emotions into positive ones and your negative interactions with your partner into love. Your brain tends to repeat familiar things over and over again, further deepening established neural pathways. Repeating a mantra, affirmation, or choice over and over creates new pathways that eventually become automatic. New thoughts will flood your mind like old thoughts or like a favorite song you’ve heard over and over again.
• Take advantage of who you are: if you like silence, are prone to silence, like quiet conversations and not big parties, this may be a genetic trait: your hearing and nervous system may be more sensitive than someone else’s, and this trait will not disappeared. But you can make the most of it and learn that with a lot of silence in your life, you will become a happier person. Quiet moments with your partner will be especially meaningful and make you happy.
But if you are a social party-goer, enjoy noise and excitement, you can also use this to your advantage. You will bring fun to your relationships, and music and activity will lift your spirits.
• Take control of your negative thoughts: (this is one thing that is completely under your control) and reverse them; quarrel with them, fight with them, fight with them. Put energy into it. Let go of anything you cannot control, such as other people, life events, losses, disappointments. Stop trying to change what won’t change, accept what is, let it be and live life as it is. Yes, I know it’s easier said than done, but once you get the hang of it, life is easier. Worrying about what you can’t control is an endless, useless waste of energy that can be spent elsewhere.
Here are some things you can try to help you become more positive:
• Take notes: Write down positive comments on your daily calendar for jobs well done or achievements you want to celebrate. Your partner will also appreciate little love notes or thank you notes left around to surprise and delight.
• Look back to your childhood: use activities that felt like celebration when you were a child: did your family toast the celebration with champagne or sparkling cider, a special dessert, a gathering of friends or a prayer of thanksgiving? Create an environment for celebration: use balloons, music, flowers, candles or set the table with the best china. Work with your partner to incorporate both elements of your childhood celebration.
• Use visible reminders: Surround yourself with visible evidence of your successes. Plant a commemorative rose bush or get a new houseplant to mark a job well done or display photos of fun events and sports or hobby trophies. It’s a constant reminder that you value yourself and your partner, something you’ll both feel every day.
• Reward yourself and your friends: go out for ice cream, toast each other, toast with champagne or ginger beer in elegant glasses, take a day off just for the two of you and have fun every chance you get.
• Try to laugh: Find a way to laugh with your partner and others around you every day. Share jokes, funny memories, comedy movies and internet jokes. It will lower your blood pressure, calm your pulse and generally help release a lot of stress.
Gratitude is something that always reminds us that life is not all bad. I see the positive effects of getting my clients to focus on gratitude every day. It’s easy to take things for granted that make us feel good, so making sure you spend some time noticing what you’re grateful for allows you to notice the good things in your life, reduce stress and anxiety, and feel better about yourself, your relationship and life. While stress and anxiety cause the body to release adrenaline and testosterone, focusing on gratitude floods you with oxytocin, acetylcholine, and other calming, relaxing agents. Hormones are emotions, emotions are hormones, so when you are flooded with happy hormones, you will feel good, and so will those around you.
• Daily Gratitude: Take some time each day to be grateful for every thing that comes your way. Do it quietly, for yourself, not boastfully to impress others. If you say grace before meals, say it quietly and think about how happy you are. Hold hands with your partner or family and say thank you for your love.
• Keep a gratitude list: For one week, list all the good things that come your way—a funny email, a phone call, a business success, a loving gesture, or a sweet moment with your partner. At the end of the week, you will be surprised at how much you will receive.
• Thank your loved ones: Thanking your partner makes both of you feel appreciated. Gratitude is powerful and, when used correctly, is a far greater motivator than demanding, criticizing, or nagging. Creative gratitude is the most powerful kind. It’s easy to figure out what kind of thank you will be memorable for a certain person when you pay attention to them. Recognition is a powerful motivator and a little gratitude can go a long way.
• Prevent negative thoughts: Whenever a negative thought comes to mind, counter it by giving thanks for something good in your life. Shift your focus from what is wrong to what is right.
• Count your blessings: Count everything you already have and appreciate. Consider starting a gratitude journal and record all the positive things, beloved possessions, and tender moments you experience. Or make a gratitude jar and write down all the positive things, beloved friends, favorite things and tender moments you experience in your life and relationship on pieces of paper and store them in the jar. Then when you feel down, down or discouraged, pull out some papers and read them. You’ll find that reminding yourself of all you have to be grateful for will cheer you up and remind you that your life is good.
• Know yourself: Just checking in with yourself every day, knowing how you feel and what you think about everything going on in your life will make you happier and less stressed. Being kind to yourself and having a good relationship with yourself will make all your relationships with other people go more smoothly. Whether you realize it or not, the relationship you have with yourself sets the pattern for how you relate to your partner. By developing a nurturing way of relating to yourself, you create a personal experience of giving and receiving love.
• Know how to calm down: Knowing your feelings helps you make appropriate decisions at all stages of your life. When you know how you feel, you also know how to comfort yourself when you are stressed or tired. What are you most comfortable with? What calms you down? What helps you recharge? This can be anything from a bubble bath, tossing, yoga or your favorite music to a long walk in the countryside, a good workout, a phone call with your best friend or a nap. Make a list of your favorite “personal chargers” and include simple things that you can do on the cheap (like relaxing with a cup of tea and reading your favorite book) and things that are very special (like a vacation, a massage, or a facial). Keep the list handy whenever you feel the need to recharge, and use it often.
• Maintain your happiness: Do everything you can to bring yourself and others as much happiness as possible. Being happy is undoubtedly good for you; the endorphins it releases reduce stress and pain and boost your health and immune system. Happiness makes you glad to be alive and pleasant to be around.
• Take regular time for yourself: Me time is important for nurturing your relationship with yourself. It shows that you care about yourself, just as when your partner spends time with you, you feel concerned. Take time for yourself as seriously as business meetings or time with your partner. It will help you stay on the same level and become a better partner.
• Spend time with people you love: Being with people who care about you and who care about you is a great way to affirm your value as a person and affirm that your life has meaning and purpose. Make sure you take good care of your friendships and relationship. Knowing you are loved is a great way to take care of you. Emotional maintenance means thinking about your emotional health and staying in touch with your feelings. When you focus on emotional self-care, you and your partner will find that hope and energy are generated, giving you even more reasons to be grateful.
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